So, I’ve decided to get an ask.fm account and, in addition to the introductory what shoes did you wear today? and what is your favorite time, past present or future? questions, I stumbled upon this one:
First, thank you for your question. It takes a certain amount of courage to ask for help, particularly of this magnitude. I hope this answer helps.
What I will start with is the standard disclaimer:
Ultimately, this is your marriage, and the final decision to stay or leave, is yours.
Here are a few things to consider:
1. Is this a pattern of behavior, betrayal and verbal abuse, or is this an isolated incident?
If this is a pattern of behavior, then identifying this is a huge step. If this is an isolated incident, you have to consider whether it’s worth investigating further. In either case, seek out resources.
2. Have you or your spouse, experienced any stressful life changes recently?
Life events, such as pregnancy and childbirth cause changes to women both physically and emotionally, as well as the family dynamic as a whole. Moving, losing a job or loved one are also major stressors that can attribute to illness.
3. What is your part in this?
We all know how this goes. There’s your side, your spouse’s side, and the truth.
4. What are your expectations of your spouse?
Sometimes, we go into relationships with an expectation, which usually matches up with some fairy tale ending, and if we don’t share this with our partner, soon enough, we realize that happily ever after, didn’t quite look like the life we’ve found ourselves living. Sometimes, we forget that our partners are fallible, emotional people, just like us. We hold our idea of how we imagine our lives to be, without giving our partner the right to grow in the way that they need to.
5. Are you genuinely interested in salvaging your marriage?
So many people that I talk to tend to romanticize love. That is to say, tend to hold the same myth around romantic relationships, and that is that is shouldn’t be hard.
I disagree. Somewhat. While I don’t feel like marriage, or any romantic relationship for that matter should be like watching Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance, I do feel like it takes work to work. There’s a learning curve to joining two lives together, which can sometimes register as a culture shock of sorts. We don’t know who we are going to grow into, or how we’re going to do it.
So how can we even think to plan the growth of our partner?
When we marry, we do so until death parts us. There are too many of us though, that are fleeing at the first hint of turbulence. And while I feel that ideally, marriage creates a space for two people who have committed to growing together, to do just that, that’s just my view.
So am I saying that you should stay in an abusive relationship void of trust?
Absolutely Not. I personally feel, and work consistently on not staying in any relationship where you are being devalued, or abused. Only you and your spouse know the specifics of your relationship.
And finally, to answer your question: Do you automatically leave? You most certainly remove yourself from any situation that poses a threat to your safety. This may mean leaving the room in a heated argument, or leaving the house. What is said to you is more about the speaker than about you, and there’s no reason to subject yourself to someone else’s tirades. As for holding versus folding, this is your risk to take, either way. I’m not a poker player, and wouldn’t consider myself the betting type so I can only offer this:
You’ve gotta weigh your odds. Be honest. Are there enough winning cards in hand your to keep going, or are you playing with a hand of dead cards. You can’t win a poker tournament with Uno cards. And only you know what you’ve been dealt.
What I know to be true is that marriage isn’t a game; and like marriage, divorce is a relationship that should not be entered into hastily. Should you make the decision, make sure you’ve thought it through.
Best wishes to you.